From earliest times cometh the proverb: “There are, from the historical anals of warcraft, no great warriors who answereth to the name, ‘Tommy.'”
And lo, it is also said of olde that, “By their ears ye shall know them. He whose lobes flappeth freely in the breeze haveth a vacuumous wind tunnel betwixt them.”
It is also a saying of sooth that “He who betrayeth Olde Mist shall soon be olde, but not missed.”
It is furthermore said that broasted filet of roadside Texas armadillo, sprinkled with candied woodchuck cutlets, maketh a fine tailgate feast which prolongeth post-game wenchery. This saying hath no bearing on Auburn, but the prophet yearneth to try it out.
It was also said by inferior prophets that the Tiger Eagles of the Lobeliest Village on the Jungle Plain would be fearsome warriors, yea, even national championship warriors, and that all tribes of the SEC would cower in fear before their manly tailbacks. Did not these prophets scattereth like mealy-mouthed mice when the Tiger Eagles falleth before the lowly Nattering Nimrods of NATS, they who cowereth before Dook-Doo? Did not these prophets hide themselves in humiliation when the more tigerly tribe of the cajun swamplands taketh a big bite out of those flapworthy ears?
Long liveth the curse of Tiger Eaglely Visitation in Athens, but no more shall they come boldly into Holy Hedges of Sanford. The Ascension of St. Michael, twelve moons past, when the Great Dawg ascendeth its Johnson into the sky to seize Dawgly Victory over Willis the Wimply, spelleth the END OF THE CURSE. The Cadillac shall collide with the Pollack, and Ronnie Brown shall go Down. Thomas the Tank Engine Davis shall be Chasin Jason, and our Golden Fleet of receivers shall roll Tommy’s Corners. Super Dooper Cooper shall leave their linebackers in a Stupor, and Richt the Righteous shall accept surrender terms at midfield, whereby he shall hang Tommy the Tame Tiger from his egregious ears upon the great scoreboard of victory, from where he will be auctioned off by Lowder the Louse to the highest bidding 1-AA football program, while Olde Mist proceedeth to the Dome of Dawgly Domination.
Great shall be the wailing in Noxiousville and Gainesburgerville, for the evil Zookly minions and the Festering Followers of Fulmer the Foul shall be denied again of their Domely Conquest. And the People of the Dawg shall tailgate forth toward worldly domination. Amen.