From the Yankeefied lands of Kentucky, yea, even the land of the Blue Grass, cometh the legend of the Giant Jared, the Mutant Mammoth Mildcat, the Blue Beacon of Bacon, the Throbbin, Lobbin’ Ever-Lovin’ Load o’ Lorenzanian Lard, who rumbleth like a lineman and chucketh like the mormonic hurlers of the western beaches. J-Load the Gelatinous; he who awardeth snatcheth away certain victory and awardeth it to the Gator people, and is thus forever christened the Blue Blur of Blunderment; he who loseth to the Commode-odors and is forever christened the Vast Vittle-Vat of Vandy Vanquishment.
Yea, the Man of Eternal Fat Jokes. Lo, he maketh the prophet’s work easy.
Yet the day draweth nigh, under the November skies, for the Last Sanford Battle of the People of the Dawg, when the Great Procession of the Tailgate maketh its pilgrimage to the Holy City and offereth its sacred sanfordian sacrifice to the Great Dawg who barketh thunder, pooteth lightning, and giveth forth many championships. And yea, the same day draweth night for the last sanfordian battle of St. Vincent the Valiant, a great and noble warrior, a giant among gentlemen who sayeth “please” and “thank you,” and never burpeth or emitteth offensive vapors while dining on the entrails of his defeated foe.
And thus the People of the Dawg, as they prepare for the Annual Bee-Bash Banquet and the journey to the Great Dome of Dawgly Domination, shall ROMP FORTH. The Mutant Mammoth Mildcat shall be POPPED by St. Odell of Hell, and blue gelatinous waste shall flood the sacred grass of Sanford. And the remains of J-Load the Jelloed shall float to the top, so that his tiny hiney head shall become the cherry atop the Blue Jello that wiggleth between the holy hedges. And Rich Babbling Brooks shall leap into the jello, bouncing back through the skies to the yankeefied lands from wench he came.
And the People of the Dawg shall face two battles of Atlanta, with the Sleazy Bees and the SECs. And the Dawgly Empire shall expand to encompass the very earth. And unto the end of the age, Mark May sucketh. Amen.