Ooga’s Blue Raiderish Prophecy – 9/4/2003

Hath not it been told? Was it not published across every corner of the Internet? Behold, Clemson sucketh; greatly do they sucketh; long may their suckings suck forth. Their defense, lo, it sucketh, and their offense sucketh more egregiously still. Their kicker, he sucketh, and their uncomely, goatish mommas sucketh indeed.

But greatest of all is the manner by which Bowdown the Baffled sucketh, for a foul fashion wench styleth his hair, and his brother is gnomish and gigglesome and greasy of countenance. He, too, sucketh. For the land of South Carolina, it teemeth with suckling hordes, and great is the heat, and the concession stands RUNNETH OUT of bottled water, which sucketh more egregiously still. And lo, the prophet taketh unto his hand his spiked club, and severely remodeleth the stadium at every stand which denieth him his bottled water. Meanwhile, great were the heavings of the Greene Warrior, and nasty were the nailings of Pollack the Pulverizer.

Then cometh the warrior ANDY McCOLLUM, and the Blue Raider People who dwelleth in the Middlin’ Hill Country, they who wouldst invade the holy, hallowed, herschelesque hedges of sacred Sanford. For puny though they might be, the Big Dawg supplieth them as an appetizer before the Great Chicken Feast which followeth it. Salad art they, therefore, and they shall be tossed and shredded thereunto. Yet Fierce shall be the Blue Raider People as they enter the holy hedges, Fierce shall be their manly wailing, and Fierce shall be their trash-talkings, for many of them are the feeble and rejected warriors of these sacred lands, and MOTIVATED shalt they be. Great shall be their adrenaline, and manly shall be the locker room exhortation of their warlord. Fierce, powerful, and proud shall they all be, and lo–then the battle shall begin.

MASSIVE shall be the beatdown administered upon these, the Blue Raider People. And DEEP shall be the river of entrails that soaketh the holy hedges. VanGorder the Vanquisher shall PURSUE their feeble, not-ready-for-prime-time, one-star recruitless bodies. He shall impale them mercilessly and mount their heads upon the newly renovated sanfordian sections, like unto a decoration. And FIFTY shall be the number of the points scored, and ZERO shall be the number of points allowed, and the great banner of champions shall fly in the breeze, and the bottled water shall NOT run dry, for the Concessionaires of Sanford sucketh not, but RULETH indeed, though grog must be smuggled in stealthily. And the Big Dawg shall belch in the full measure of his manliness, and prepare himself for a great chickenly feast.

In summary, the Clemsonites sucketh; Bowdown the Baffled schmucketh; the Greene Warrior chucketh; the Blue Raider People ducketh; and the Chicken People clucketh. Amen.

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