HEAR, O CAJUN PEOPLE! Ooga taunteth you unmercifully – 9/18/2003

In the beginning were the manly tribes of the earth: The Huns, ruthless and cunning, consuming the earth like hairy locusts, stinking of breath. The Mongols, reeking looters and pillagers. The Romans, bringers of pasta products. And lastly, the crown of creation, the hairiest and most masculine of all, the PEOPLE OF THE DAWG, barking avengers who tailgateth forth across all the four corners of the earth, playing their Munson Tapes and overrunning the crumbling hordes of the SEC.

Then there were the feeble and girlish hordes of the earth: Switzerland, makers of cuckoo clocks; those known as Trekkies, who donneth forth pointy plastic ears and attendeth many conventions of William Shatner; and lastly, the feeblest of all, yea, the FRENCH, who cowereth in many trenches during world conflagrations, waxeth forth their moustaches, and wisheth to be left alone with their pastry recipes. And lo, the English go forth in bold exploration; the Spanish go forth in bold exploration; but the FRENCH go forth because the Germans beateth them up and taketh their lunch money. And some there were of these FRENCH who go forth and foundeth VANDERBILT. And others go forth even unto the swamps, for such was their fear and trepidation. And they foundeth forth the lands of the CAJUN PEOPLE, the word CAJUN being derived from the CAJONES which they sorely lacketh. And there they establisheth forth their cheese-making yet again, and happily watch forth as the People of the English and the People of the Reeking Spaniards fighteth for all the good millions of acres of land on all sides of them.

And lo, as they cowereth forth in this swamp, they spreadeth forth many fairy tales about themselves, for great are the French with fairy tales. And they sayeth forth, THIS IS DEATH VALLEY, though they dieth there with regularity. And they sayeth forth, WE ARE THE TIGER PEOPLE, though they girdeth their cajone-less loins in the color of the French, YELLOW. Yet did not the People of the Dawg administer forth the beatdown MASSACRE on the OTHER Tigers of Death Valley, 30-0? Did not the CHUCKLEHEADED CHICKEN PEOPLE flap their feeble beaks, also, before we openeth a can of ILL-ASS upon them? ILL-ASS YOU, hear us! We are a DAWGLY nation. We overrunneth the entire earth and slappeth forth the pasty faces of simpering kitchenly Chef People such as yourselves! We are the PEOPLE OF THE DAWG, and WE will be your servers tonight. We feedeth thee MAUCK TURTLE SOUP, after he climbeth into his french-cowardly shell. The Richt Regime rolleth into town, and your lunch money shall be taken yet again, and ye shall LIKE IT AND BEG MORE MORE. Then shall the People of the Dawg descend like locusts upon NEW ORLEANS, which is still rebuilding its civilization from the last dawgly assault. And great will be the barking. The grog shall flow freely, and the manly Dawg People shall go forth until their seed spreadeth forth through the bayou lands, and little dawglings shall spring froth from the earth to cleanse it from FRENCHLY influences. And nevermore shall there be pastries or stinky cheeses in the tailgates of future hordes. AMEN.

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