Summer Advice from the Hunkering Hermit – 6/2/2002

Ooga’s Survival Tips for Making It to August 31

And lo, the summer stalleth; the sun beateth; the prophet Ooga’s hindquarters sticketh to the leather sofa in his cave. Slumber eludeth him. Even the smell of a fine, plump and basted weasel is no longer well-pleasing to the hermit. He yearneth to hunker. He lusteth after the blood of the reeking hordes. Hear, O ye who surf forth unto this webly page. You, too, may suffer the unquenched torments of the prophet. Heedeth his timely tips, and thou shalt SURELY survive. Amen.

1. Getteth thee back to nature. Fish with thy bare hands. Shed thy loincloth and subdue a bear nakedly with thy brute strength. Then eateth him alive and uncooked. See if this restoreth not thy feeling of manliness.

2. Travel forth to that accursed place known as I-285, of whence it is TRULY said that time standeth still. Go ye there at the hour of dinner and leap forth upon the roof of an SUV. Hunker forth and beat thy chest, barking savagely and screaming ancient obscenities upon the Hickolian Hill People of Knoxville. Hop from vehicle to vehicle, calling out, “Ye whose contraptions maketh the air reek of expelled gas! Hear me! Long live the People of the Dawg!” Covereth the entire perimeter.

3. Go forth to the ocean, where many fine and comely wenches abound in bright and scanty loincloths. Capture and claim ownership of several, for their men are feeble and wear Speedos.

4. Taketh thy wenches to the place of abomination where dwell the Nattering Nimrods of NATS. Watch with amusement as thy wenches taunt and beat senseless the feeble and unmanly race who hide there.

5. Visit forth the proud warriors of the Dawg People, lo, Terrence the Terrible and the Wailing Wall of Jonathan and all their godlike kindred. Present before them an offering of a fine, plump goat for sacrifice. Bow before them and beat thy head seventy times seven against the pavement. Washeth and waxeth their cars, and runneth their errands, and polisheth their earrings where applicable.

6. Go forth to the Ooga Store, which linketh below, and cavort thyself in a shameful orgy of commerce. Clothe all thy kinsmen and concubines with the sacred T-shirt of Ooga. Buy forth mugs for thy foaming spirits. Procureth and useth the new Hurtling Disk O’Doom. Maketh the prophet a profit. He needeth a more comely cave. Visit Ooga at http://www.cafepress.com/ooga

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