Ooga’s Manly Enough Prophecy (Alabama) – 10/3/2002

And lo, the People of the Dawg turned their eyes to the western wastes, where dwell they whom call themselves the People of the Tide, though there are no oceans, for they are sorely confused about their habitat, like unto their mortal enemies the Tiger Eagles of the Jungle Plain. Alabama, being a desolate land, haveth many geographical illusions. And being thus confused, and having no prophet of their own, the People of the Tide sendeth forth he whom is surly when he indulgeth in too much grog and speaketh abominations, saying that lo, the People of the Dawg be not manly enough. Then he belcheth forth and passeth into a stupor, which rendereth him more likeable for a few hours, though equally smelly.

And the People of the Dawg heareth his mocking words, and giveth forth a growl, and the holy hedges trembleth, and sacred Sanford quaketh, and somewhere Erk Russell spitteth forth lightning and emitteth thunder from his bowels. And Ooga, he who hunkereth, heareth also, and cryeth out, “Behold, People of the Tide, ye whom were once a fearsome race, marching forth as the People of the Bear, a truly reeking but respectable horde. The Bear liveth no longer, except in limited edition lithographs, and 10,000 trailer park urchins bearing his name. Now thou art merely the People of the Tide, a leading laundry detergent, and ye speaketh forth of the Tide Rolling, though neither oceans nor washing machines roll, neither do elephants, which belongeth in the Jungle, which is where the Tiger Eagles dwell, for thou art a confused and vexing people, though Ooga liketh two or three of the comely cheerleader wenches, preferably at the same time.”

Thou art not only a confused people but also a DOOMED one, for the People of the Dawg art a MANLY ENOUGH People, and are summoned forth to prove out their manliness on network television. And the People of the Dawg shall bring forth their manliness upon the field of battle, and your stadium shall fill with blood and the curdling shreiks of melon-bellied bubbas and big-haired trailer wenches until Ooga, the prophet, surfeth home on a Crimson Tide of thy seeping entrails. And Richt the Righteous, who is also manly enough, shall take a short break from being righteous to pulleth the heart from the chest of his vanquished foe, and eateth it before the television cameras, just before the Dairy Queen commercial. And then the People of the Dawg shall proceed to the Jungle Plain, where dwelleth he whom strappeth on no pads but talketh big about manliness, and the Big Dawg shall lift his leg and marketh him liquidly for territorial rights in November.

And the Elephant People of the Crimson Ocean Detergent shall return to their trailer parks, and changeth forth the diapers of young Bear VII and little Bearina, and prayeth before their limited edition lithographs that their Guardian Bear might come down once more and protecteth them from the fury of a Dawg who is surely MANLY ENOUGH. Amen.

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