Special Report: Munson and Ooga
The Inside Story of the Hobnail Boot Call
ATHENS – The sailing football looked like a beachball to Verron Haynes. He was peacefully camped out on the orange checkerboard campground, waiting to clap his hands around the pigskin and posterity. Haynes was the only living creature in the stadium without a hillbilly in tobacco-spitting range. They were all looking for someone named “Vernon.” At the moment of the catch, Larry Munson made some history himself as he shouted, “We just stepped on their face with a hobnail boot and BROKE THEIR NOSE!”
Fearing he’d been too subtle, he added, “We just CRUSHED THEIR FACE!” For the dawgnation, sheer poetry.
Now, at last it can be told: The Bulldog Bard’s immortal line was not spontaneous. It was the culmination of a new partnership between Munson and Ooga, the Hunkering Hermit of Pigskin Prophecy. Munson had been fretting that his patented one-liners were losing a little of their customary chutzpah. He found himself looking to the hermit for inspiration.
The issue came to a head this weekend in Knoxville. During the halftime show, Munson anticipated a fourth quarter that would be a barn-burner. He called a full red alert for an Immortal Line. Everybody shrugged. So the famed announcer picked up the hotline to the home office of Munson Moments Inc. and said, “Home Office–whaddaya got?”
Larry Munson’s team of writers had been scribbling furiously as they watched the broadcast. They read off their newest brainchild: “TOUCHDOWN! Didja see THAT? Man, we contemplated the vicissitudes of DESTINY and interjected an alternative REALITY axis! I admit it, I communed with the dark underbelly of DESPAIR, so did YOU!”
Munson listened, grunted unhappily and asked if there was a fallback. There was: “The kick is GOOD! The thing soared on ethereal wings of FANCY into a wistful blue canopy of FLUFFY marshmallow clouds and happy-face TOMORROWS! I’ve BROKEN my BEANBAG chair!”
Munson was appalled. He stubbed his cigar into the telephone, fired all 750 employees in the home office, and slammed down the receiver. Then, looking around furtively, he pulled out a concealed hotline. Speaking into it, he said, “Hermit–Whaddaya got?”
For several years the two gravel-voices have been hunting buddies. Ooga has been teaching Munson to stalk and kill mountain lions with bare hands, and naked. In November of 1997, the hermit had happened to be in the booth when Mike Bobo threw the pass that beat Tech. Ooga provided Munson with the line, “They ripped out our HEART and we STUFFED it back in!” Munson loved the vivid violence of the image–anyone could “get the picture.”
Ever since, he had been clamoring for more barbarian word wizardry, but immortal fourth quarters were rare. It was the prophet who provided Saturday’s booted, nose-breaking, face-crushing line that became an instant classic. When asked about his relationship with the spike-helmeted warrior, Munson chuckled raspily and said, “Can you BELIEVE he wants payment in WOOD RODENTS? I told the little guy, ‘I got possums pancaked all over my driveway. Bring your shovel and eat up!'”
Munson refuses to confirm a future working relationship with Ooga, but sources reveal the prophet has already pre-uttered lines for most of the remaining games of 2001. Here are a few samples acquired by SaxonDawg International:
(For Vandy) Munson: “CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? We just came into their HOUSE, BLEW down their bedroom DOOR, and MASSACRED their whole family in their SLEEP!” Scott Howard: “WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Munson: “We MASSACRED ’em, then DRANK their BLOOD!”
(For Florida) Munson: “YEAH! We were DEAD, RUN OVER, BLEEDING, and ONE MILLION GATOR TRUCKS had run over our bloody carcasses, then BACKED UP and rolled over ’em AGAIN . . . (Howard: “WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”) . . . then we ROSE FROM THE ASPHALT AND BIT OFF THEIR NOSES!”
(For Auburn) Munson: “”WE SAVED OURSELVES! We just came FLYING down the field, carved new orifices ALL OVER their bodies, and FEASTED ON THEIR CORPSES!”” Howard: “”WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!””
(For Tech) Munson: “”MATT REDDING MATT REDDING, OH YOU MATT REDDING! I just cut off Scott Howard’s hand! Said I wasn’t gonna do it, but I cut his hand RIGHT OFF!”” Howard: “”WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!””
Stay tuned, some great moments are ahead. Just don’t plan any meals for the fourth quarter.
(c.2001 SaxonDawg International)