Ooga’s Eighth Prophecy: Auburn – 11/3/2001

And lo, the time came when the Big Dawg vanished from the shadow of the gridiron, and none were the sightings of him, yea, even for two weeks. And great was the anticipation of the People of the Dawg, and restless were they, having to behold with their eyes instead the feeble wranglings of neighboring tribes, even the Old Mist Rabbles and the Pig People of Puny Rock, they who were too unmanly to prevail against one another in their womanly skirmish. But the People of the Dawg knew that they, the hallowed and herculean heroes of the Holy Hedges, would arise again, yea, even to take and smite forth their most ancient of battle foes, their rivals of much longstanding, even they who are called the Pez People of the Auburn waste, for yea, they have interchangeable heads.

For do not these people wear for a period the head of the tiger, then do they not place upon themselves, hence, the head of the Eagle? And do they not then appear under the head of Dumbo, he of the massive coachly ears? And the superior peoples who would invade them, should they journey to the Plains or the Jungle? Surely these strategems are concocted to confuse their enemies, and to save them in overtime from the fierce chieftains of Northeastern Louisiana, they who skirmished in overtime with the Tiger Eagles from the Jungle Plain. And surely it was confusion that salvaged the Pez People from going down by an even greater score to the Pig People of Puny Rock.

But lo, in truth the Pez People are a haughty and arrogant people, for they are empowered and made to supernaturally substitute their heads by the dark sorcery of the Brazen Banker of the Board, yea, even he who lurks in the trustee shadows and is known to be Lowder, using all the black magic of capital funding to work his dark evil on the Pez Plainsmen who ride forth, transforming their many heads at will.

But hear this, O people of indeterminant mascotry: The People of the Dawg rideth under ONE NAME! The Hallowed Head of the Holy Hunkering Hound doth not change like the wind, and the Domain of Dawgly Domination respondeth not to trendy nicknames. But your heads shall supply many trophies suitable for display upon the Wondrous Walls of Sacred Sanford. On the west wall shall rest the tiger head of olde, striped with blood. And on the east wall shall be seen the head of the Great Bald Eagle, he who is endangered and soon be extinct. And on the north wall we shalt behold a blank spot, for the sorcerer known as Lowder seems to not have much of a head on his shoulders. But on the south wall, that direction most sacred of all, shall rest two elephantine ears, cut off from the head of the chieftain himself. For it has been said of old of all those crowned of the Pez head, that on the other end their hindquarters spew forth candy. And the People of the Dawg shall chew thy candy a new Pez-hole, and thus smite one more feeble infidel of the weakly west, and turn their attention to the reeking wastelands where dwell the Rabble of the Old and Smelly Mist. And great will be their season; and bodacious shall be their bowl. Amen.

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