The Sixth Book of Ooga, Chapter Three
Posted by saxondawg on 2:00 PM 13-Oct-99
I had made the eerie journey through the wildwood and over the raging river to the cave of Ooga the hunkering hermit–only to find a crestfallen prophet turning his inner eye to basketball and crocheting sweaters. Yet at the very mention of the flitty, foppish football fiefdom of Vanderbilt, the Dawg Demon within the prophet, dormant since Saturday night, was aroused. “VAAAAAN-derbillllllT?” he roared. “VANNNN-dee? Have our proud warriors been challenged by an army whose name rhymeth with CANDY? And whose nickname containeth COMMODE?” The hermit then began to prophesy ecstatically, and his words follow.
In the beginning (sayeth Ooga) the Big Dawg created the Dawgs and the Others, Dawgs and Others created he them, and giveth the Dawgs dominion over all the Others, the beasts of the field and the passers of the air and the gators of the sea. And he set them in the garden of Paradise, known as Sanford. And while they were there, lo, they were perfect and unfallen, even 4-0, and miracles occurred on final plays and evil opposing coaches, did they not make bonehead calls?
But the Dawgs left the garden, and experienced the Fall, and were imperfect, and were whooped forth and fell into heinous slavery under ill-bred and nomadic trailer people. And lo, the Big Dawg raised a commander and said his name shall be called Donnan, and he shall take his staff in hand and part the Red Sea and swallow his enemies.
And not everyone liked his staff, and they bickered forth, and gossiped.
But yea, he led the Dawg Nation forth, and they set out for the promised land where men and bark forth and multiply and smite their enemies regularly, at least eleven times per year. And they go forth into alliance bowls, and speaketh onto the topic of national championships.
But behold, there is a wilderness to cross to reach the promised land, and it is like unto the Pathetic Plains of Auburn and the Hideous Wastes of Oxford. The Dawg Nation must trudge through Columbia, and even unto Lexington, and unto the uttermost parts of the foulest and most mediocre deserts of the Southland. But the people became weary, and began to bicker yet again, and ask as befits backseat drivers, when are we going to get there and can we stop soon? And why are the feet of the Children of Dawgdom slow, for why cannot freshmen and sophomores walk as fast as junior and seniors?
And a great voice came from the mountain, as from the Big Dawg, and it said, “Lo, you people are driving me CRAZY! Geez!” And the voice went on to say, “Look, here are the Top Ten Commandments on two tablets. Take these two tablets and call on Me in the morning.”
And lo, the Top Ten Commandments were . . .