The Fourth Book of Ooga the Hermit
These are the weekly prophecies of Ooga the Huddling, Hunkering Hermit, Seer of Visions, Diviner of Point Spreads, Consumer of Possums Which Creep Too Near His Cave; Ooga, whose very loincloth is fashioned of 100 percent recycled pigskin. These are his revelations, as delivered unto Saxondawg, who is his messenger.
Be afraid, saith the prophet–be very afraid! For here is a proverb of Ooga: He who is restless during the off-week is like unto the buzzard who saith unto his brother, “To hell with hovering–let’s kill something!”
Beware, roving Knights from the South! Ye who come from the central wasteland of Or-Lan-Do. Ooga taunteth and jeereth at thee, and formest one thousand rude and rasping raspberries from his possum-stained lips in thy direction. What manner of dithering buffoon residest in the floridian wasteland–when beaches surround his province on three sides? What manner of lumbering chowderhead dwelleth among yammering yankees, retching retirees and trollish tourists and taketh not at least the beach to console him?
To those in the barren and cursed land of Or-Lan-Do, who wouldst surround themselves with men dressed as talking mice and ducks, and roller coasters piloted by screeching fools, Ooga chucklest! Come ye! Mountest our new amusement ride known as the Great Wall of Stroud, ye Gang of Guffawing Goofies. Bucklest thy loins into the Great Athenian Scream Machine, if ye dare!
Come, Scarlet Knights, and be covered with the scarlet that oozest from thy every known orifice plus several new ones. Makest the acquaintance of new animated characters: Kendrell Kobra, he who will wrappest himself around thee and helpest us make it through the Knight; Jasper Jackal, who claweth thy jerseys into shreds; and Richard Sackmore, who will help thee break ground on a new park known as YourBackfield-Disney.
Bringest it on, Scarlet Knights, whom we rechristen as Scoreless Knats! Ooga’s Big Dawg hungers for thy nutritious entrails. He who hath floppy round black ears, let him hear. He who wearest big yellow shoes, retreat from our wrath in haste! Or enter the Magic Kingdom of Sanford, lookest upon our defensive line and telleth us: Is it a small world after all? Scoreless Knats, you’ve foundered in the fury of Florida; you’ve been tortured by the Terrible Techies–wherefore goest thou now? Thou repliest: “I’m going to Dizzy World!”