Short Press Release: Ooga Won’t Address Rumors
Posted on 1:31 PM 19-Nov-99
Thought you’d all be interested in this dispatch from today’s Daily Barbarian, if you missed it:
Will He Stay or Will He Go?
Hermit Surrounded by Rumors
by Lothar the Disemboweler, Beat Reporter
ATHENS- (Barbarian Press Intnl.) The legendary cave is silent this week, but the surrounding forest reverberates with whispers. As has become an annual late-season tradition, Ooga the Hunkering Hermit is rumored to be taking his weekly prophecies to another warrior horde.
The prophet emerged only to make a short, terse statement early Friday.
“Lo, the way of the wind, does it not carry the stench of lies?” said the prophet.
“Is that a denial?” asked several reporters, shouting above the commotion.
“TV Anchor-weaklings with big hair of women are scaring away Ooga’s dinner!” grunted the hermit to the TV reporters, disappearing into his cave.
“That’s all, gentlemen, show’s over,” said Ooga’s press agent, known only as “Saxondawg.”
“The rafts are waiting down below. Watch that 30-foot-drop along the rapids on your way back and keep your microphones dry.”
“We want more than that! I got my hair mussed by a bobcat for this?” said a voice remarkably like that of the cartoon character Bullwinkle. It was Chuck Dowdle.
‘Saxondawg’ ignored him, however.
The rumors persist that Ooga is tight with some old clan warriors and grog-drinking buddies from the University of North Carolina. However, some point out that Ooga has persistently referred to the Atlantic Coast Conference as “an alliance of whining girly-men who must be thrashed and the smoking earth sown with their bloody remains.”
Some say this is mild language for Ooga, however, who may be “keeping his options open.”
However, Ooga’s failure to issue a weekly prophecy has excited a new round of gossip.
‘Saxondawg’ claims that the hermit receives his revelations from the dawgly spirits present in the night sky, but that the air this week has been polluted by wailing, lamentations and rumor-mongering among the Dawgnation.
“Lo, nothing but static,” Ooga has reputedly been overheard to mutter.
(Gormak the Gut-Thrasher and Spikeface the Bringer of Pain contributed to this story.)