Ooga’s FAQ for Shrunken Head Collecting
Posted by saxondawg on 2:26 PM 23-Sep-99
These are the Frequently Asked Questions of they, the hobbyists who shrinketh the heads of Dawg rivals, for to decorate forth their caves and maketh unto themselves a fine conversation starter. Heed thou the handy tips of Ooga!
1. Whyfor should I seizeth the shrunken heads of our rivals?
A: Heed Ooga’s words: Buildest thou a collection. It beateth stamps and coins. It maketh an attractive altar decoration. It summoneth forth many creeping insects and mammals which provideth thy next meal. It looketh fine hanging forth from thy game day ball cap, and tendeth to silence the evil minions of thy opponent which defileth thy stadium section.
2. Which rivals maketh the best shrunken heads?
A. Behold, the Gator minions! For are their heads not falsely inflated? Ooga hath lusted after the visored head of Spurrier the Sputterer himself for his personal collection, and stealthily stalked him after many a game; but lo, the evil State Patrol minions hath blocked the hermit’s path; and Ooga hath settled for the heads of fans and overthrown defensive coordinators.
3. How takest thou the minion’s head from its body?
A. Lo, thou shalt harvest the head before kickoff, for afterward, shall not the evil minion be hanging his head in desolation? Shall not the famed Gator Choke, celebrated of old, render the neck too tight for a neat incision? Striketh thou early, when the minion maketh unto his arms the sign of the huge Gator mouth, of which it must be said, the sign speaketh verily! For is not the mouth of the evil Gator minion huge, and doth not its lips flap unceasingly? Striketh thou while the arms are raised, but BEWARE the fetid stench!
4. How preserveth thou the head? How shalt I cureth it?
A. Behold, it is written of old, “He who followeth the Gator is incurable.” Neither shalt thou preserveth his head in alcohol, for is not that head saturated already in reeking spirits? Lo, the hairs of the Gator minion carry toxic greases sufficient to perserve it for untold generations. Neither shalt thou coolest the head in a stream, for shall it not kill the fish which provideth thy between-meal snacks? Nay, sayeth the prophet: storeth the Gator-head in thy game day cooler.
5. What shalt I do with the rest of the body?
A. Here is a a further proverb of Ooga: “He who followeth in the Gator Way needeth a checkup from the neck up.” Behold, from the neck down, is there not also found much sewage? Choppeth it up neatly and provideth a treat for thy pet vulture. Maketh a scarecrow for thy garden. Fertilize forth thy lawn, for it is said that they who follow the way of the Gator are filled with much dung. Ooga saith, be thou creative. As for the bones, they makest for rewarding arts and crafts. Ooga fashioneth and selleth wind chimes from Gator minion skeletons. Do they calleth him Ooga the Profit for nothing?
6. Behold, Ooga, I lusteth after the shrunken head of a Jacket. Helpeth me out here.
A. Hear the words of the prophet. The Jacket head is a rare trophy, for it hideth in the dirt like unto an ostrich for a season of seven years, then, doth it not swarm like unto a plague of annoying gnats? Striketh thy blow quickly before it hideth again. Let it also be known that the head of the Jacket snappeth off neatly; thy sword may remain sheathed. For the Jacket, is he not pale and puny, like unto the sickly sister of a mongrel slave? Stalketh him in software stores, and in the great tribal gatherings of Star Trek worshipers. Thick glasses of the eye and pimply blemishes of the skin, do they not make this a strikingly distinctive addition to thy trophy case? And neither bug nor beast will nibble from its leprous hide.
7. Hail to the Holy Hermit! I come bringing a fine, fat possum in tribute. Hear my question, O Ooga! How taketh I the shrunken head of a Vol?
A. Ah, me! It canst NOT be done.
8. Saith WHAT?
A. The head of the Vol, is it not already shrunken from birth? One canst not shrink what is already puny.