Ooga 6:4 — The Thrilling Conclusion!
Posted by saxondawg on 3:01 PM 14-Oct-99
The Sixth Book of Ooga. Lo, the Fourth and Final Installment
For two days I had laid trapped on the slimy floor of Ooga’s cave. At first I had been transfixed by the sight of the prophet entering his visionary state. Unfortunately, after two days I was beginning to be bothered by the chipmunk bones poking my butt, the spilled sweet and sour sauce three inches from my face, and the fact that Ooga wasn’t giving forth the goods; he had gone off on some tangential gibberish about wandering in the wilderness. Not only that, but the hermit’s body odor takes on a mystical quality of its own in confined spaces. I cleared my throat, reluctant to interrupt divine revelation.
“…And the ‘cut muscles’ of the orange-clad warriors, they too were seen by the Dawg Nation, and there was much weeping, and wailing, and gnashing of keyboards; and . . .”
“Excuse me. Mr. Ooga. A thousand pardons,” I interjected, to no avail. “O ye of the seasoned armpits . . .”
“And the cornerbacks, neither were they exempt from the bile and the invective and the scorn of the La-A-Boy dwellers, and the strong safeties . . .”
“Hey, OOOOOOOGA! I’m DYIN’ down here!! Either prophesy without arms uplifted, or get on to the part everybody’s WAITING for, fercryinoutloud . . .”
“Eh? Doeth what now?”
“VAAAAANDerbilt? That which rhymeth with CANDY-QUILT? Those who partake of caviar and dwell among interior decorators?”
“Don’t stop, ol’ boy! Go with it!”
Lo, [he sayeth] in the wasteland protected by the Weasely Walls of Neyland, there are giants who dwell in the land; and their bodies are large but their heads are small, and needful of special scribes who writeth forth their assignments. But across the rotten and trailer-infested hill countries, in the place known as Gnashville, live the Nattering Nabobs of Gnashville– they who have puny bodies and giant heads which require no surplus scribes. It is they who dabble in an old magic, an ancient sorcery, that which is known as Olde Money, and they who eat many things not hunted and skinned as is favored by regular children of the earth: quiche eat they, and three-bean salads, and foul casseroles derived from eggplant; and they are clothen in the skins of the yuppy, are the Nattering Nabobs, and drinketh wine coolers and readeth Architectural Digest and can nameth forth every variety of imported cheese. And lo, sonatas and cantatas and fat opera singers can be heard at their soirees.
And Big Dawg createth them because other warriors, do they not need a good laugh between major battles?
And the People of the Dawg shall invade their rose gardens, yea and shall overrun their Episcopalian literary groups, and shall lay siege to their sorority houses and take hostages of the womenfolk least obscured by makeup and eyeliner; and shall fashion war banners from their dress fabrics which cometh from the Gap. And the Dawg People shall bespoil their miniature stadium, and lay waste to their tiny warriors. The Great Wall of Stroud shall be brought forth on a stretcher, brick by brick, and reassembled. And it shall pummel and head-butt nine or ten starting offensive linemen with its remaining healthy limbs, then return to the whirlpool, from whence the War-mongering Wheel of Witherspoon shall be rolled forth to roll upon and flatten the remaining helmeted preppies. Then the healthy Dawg warriors shall be called forth, and they shall feast greedily, exacting the wrath of six days upon the quiche-bearing ones. And lo, Jasper shall, indeed, yea verily, get many carries. And the People of the Dawg will talketh forth smack once more, even unto the ends of the season.