SEC Football’s 10 Commandments

Football

FootballExtremely important recommendations for the non-football types and young children:

1. From the first weekend in September until the end of the bowl season, the television is mine, at all times, without any exceptions. The remote control will be fingerprinted each night, any sign of your fingerprints and all shopping trips will be canceled for a month.

2. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, for an important reason such as preparing snacks or getting the beers, I don’t mind, as long as you crawl along the floor.

3. During the football season, read the sports section of the newspaper so that you understand who I’m yelling at during the season. As a tip, check the box scores for the referees names too.

4. During the games I will be drunk as Cooter Brown. You cannot expect me to listen to you, open the door, kill any spiders, answer the phone, etc. It ain’t gonna happen.

5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 4 six packs in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on, and please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12am and 6am, unless 1) they replay a good game that I missed during the day or 2) Hawaii is playing on the Big Island and I need to cover my day’s gambling losses.

6. Please, please, please!! if you see me upset because my team is losing, DO NOT say I’ll get over it, it ‘s only a game, or don’t worry, they’ll win next time. If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about football than me and your so called ‘ words of encouragement ‘ will only lead to a break up or divorce.

7. If a great play occurs while you are in the room, you may be required to freeze or repeat your act for the rest of the game as good mojo. If my team wins, you will be showered with gifts for the next 6 days. If they lose, you will be blamed repeatedly for moving, blinking or secretly not believing in your heart of the power of mojo.

8. Tell your friends NOT to get married, have any babies, or any other social related parties or gatherings that requires my attendance because: I will not go, I will not go, and I will not go.

However, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Saturday to watch a game, we will be there before the Coors Light bottles reach ‘Code Blue ‘ .

9. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me during halftime but only when the commercials are on, and only if the halftime score is pleasing me. College Game Day and the highlights on Saturday night are just as important as the games themselves. Even if I curse Lou, Herbie, and Corso like the anti-SEC, biased dogs that they are, I still want to hear what they say.

10. And finally, please save your expressions such as: ‘ Thank God the football season is only during the Fall. ‘ I am immune to these words, because after this comes the NFL playoffs, the Pro Bowl, AFL, AFL2, the CFL, and the replays on the college sports channels.

 

Correlation Between Recruiting Rankings and Results

In 2012, 42 of 57 (i.e., 73.7%) SEC games were won by the team with highest average # of stars per available recruited scholarship player. Of note, 6 of the top 8 SEC teams in average # of stars per recruited scholarship player finished in the Top 12 of the final FBS Coaches Poll. Results for all SEC teams and UGA’s 2012 regular season opponents are below:(Final Coaches Poll) Average # of stars (i.e., prospect’s assessed potential) per available recruited player per Rivals.com’s Recruiting Database and 2012 season (& SEC) record: Continue reading

Why do LSU fans smell like Corn Dogs?

250px-CornDog

Corn dogFrom the Chicago Auburn fans website (source?): LSU fans smell just like corn dogs.

Yes, it is often said, but so, so true.

LSU fans do smell like corn dogs.

I would never tell them that to their face though. This is something better said at internet distances. Even now, I am afraid.

I am afraid that they’ll know I said it. I’ll walk past an LSU fan someday, and he’ll see that look in my eye that gives it away.  That look that says, “gee, what is that smell? Is it corn dogs?” The next thing you know, I’ll have flat tires on my car.

If you only learn one thing from me today, remember not to tell LSU fans how they smell – you know, like corn dogs.

LSU fans seem, somehow, sensitive to that whole corn dog issue.

I think this may be why a lot of fans get beaten up by LSU fans. If you attend a game in Baton Rouge, try to avoid telling them that they smell like corn dogs. Say something else instead. Like, “Wow, LSU sure does have a great team this year. This is going to be a great SEC game.”

It’s hard. I know. It’s like when you’re having sex and you try to think about baseball. That corn dog smell is just so overwhelming.  It makes it hard for you to think about football or baseball or whatever else. Your brain wanders into corn dog topics like: “Gee, I wonder if I took a bite of your finger, if you would taste just like a corn dog?”; or “Is this a real person or is it a giant corn dog trying to make me think it is a real person?” or “What did that giant corn dog just say?” or “Excuse me, Mister, why is it that you smell just exactly like corn dogs smell?” or, of course, after a silencer:  “Madam, did you just let the corn dogs out?”

Heck, after what I’ve heard about LSU fans, I think it may be better not to smell them at all. Okay, not all of them. Some of them are nice. Sure. Smell the nice ones. That’s okay.

You know what else is a bad thing to do? Holding your nose around them. They are real sensitive to that, too. Try holding your breath. But don’t be obvious about it. Somehow they know you’re trying not to breathe in the corn dog smell. And that offends them. They’ll likely punch you for that if they catch on to what you’re doing.

If you do breathe it in long enough, though, it’ll permeate your whole body, and then you’ll smell like a corn dog just like they do. But don’t say, “Dang, now I smell like a corn dog.” They take offense to that. And they will throw things. But not corn dogs. Hard stuff.  Stuff that leaves bruises and makes you bleed. Then you may have to get stitches or something. Just don’t say it. If you do start smelling like a corn dog, just shut up about it. Okay?

I think kids are acutely aware of corn dog smells too. Counsel your kids on how to behave around LSU fans. If LSU fans are driving around town, do not let your kids stick their heads out of your car window and sniff the air. No. Keep your windows rolled up. An odd change in their expression – indicating they smell corn dogs – might get a wrench or pipe or some other object tossed at your windshield. So, that’s dangerous. Let your kids stick their heads out of the car windows as you drive – on some other weekend.

I know you are just as puzzled as I am about some of this corn dog stuff. What puzzles me most is that I’ve never actually seen any of these LSU fans with a corn dog in their hand. Okay, maybe there’s no mystery there – maybe they already ate the corn dogs. Who knows?

Maybe there’s a corn dog factory in Baton Rouge and they all work there.

Maybe, there’s a corn dog lotion that they wear, or a French perfume.

Maybe their city council puts corn dog juice in the water supply – kind of like fluoride. The politics there are probably weird.  The big political issue during the city election is whether they should add more ketchup or more mustard to the water. Don’t comment on it though. It’s not politically correct over there. It’s like a malnutrition issue or something. It’s like the corn dogs are probably added to the water to prevent starvation or something.

I know when you go to Baton Rouge, you’re thinking: “Ahhhh. Here I am in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. I’ll bet the people here smell just like boiled crawfish or shrimp etoufe’ or some fancy Cajun food.” But just stop thinking that. That’s just a myth. They smell just like corn dogs.

In fact, please listen to my advice. Leave them alone about the corn dog odor. And don’t try masking the odor with something stronger.  They’ll curse at you. They’ll say something like: “WTF, how dare you smoke a cigar in my home,” or “WTF!! Are you too good for the smell of corn dogs?” and they’ll cuss out your kids too: “WTF!!! Little Mister fancy pants over here acts like he doesn’t want to smell like corn dogs.”

Cajuns are not like us. Don’t you see that, yet? They are really sensitive about being sniffed and about their corn dog aroma. They know they smell like corn dogs and it is no laughing matter to them at all. I know, I know. We sniff the bammers and the UGA dawgs and the Ole messes, and we keep a straight face with each of them, but don’t press your luck with the Cajun tiger fans. Don’t refer to Death Valley as corn dog valley either. I mean that’s just wrong. Even if you’ve been drinking, they’ll beat you up and curse out your kids.

Along these lines, be extra careful when you laugh in their direction – even if you’re laughing about something else. Like baseball or football, or sex or whatever. If you can’t control yourself and you must laugh though, do not snort. The snorting makes them think that you smell their corn dog body odor from a distance or that you’re choking on it or something. They’ll likely burn your van for that. We lost a campus building over just one snort.

So, just remember. You can love one another without sniffing each other. You can enjoy the clash of a couple of good football teams.  You can enjoy the thrill of the rivalry. But after the game, please heed my words. Please just move along. No sniffing the opposing fans this Saturday. Okay? Get your corn dog jollies at home.

Enough with this corn dog talk. Let’s play ball…