Moms, Hug ’em if you Got ‘Em.

September 26th, 2012

Thirty-nine years ago a woman went into labor on her 25th Birthday. Eighteen hours later on the following morning she delivered her first child. She spent the next two and a half decades raising this son. She was a Bama fan.

Her own father had abandoned her family when she was in the ninth grade and left behind a chasm of missed experiences; birthdays, being crowned homecoming queen, graduations, and the like. Despite these shortcomings she idolized him till the day he died. His family hailed from the coal mines of Alabama so she followed the Tide and worshipped The Bear. Her father had instilled in her a love of sports at a young age, and throughout her life she shocked those she knew with her in-depth knowledge and understanding of a wide variety of sports. Continue reading

Bumblebee Backers Get Chance to Gloat

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lewis-grizzard-columnDecember 1985, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

For today’s column, I have decided to give myself a belated Christmas present. Here is what I am going to do:
Just like last year, when Tech beat Georgia in football, I received a rash of letters from Tech fans who felt the need to gloat.

Most of these letters – or at least the ones written by individuals who were literate enough to make sense – began by saying, “You obnoxious redneck:”

I usually do not continue reading past that point and I throw the letters into the trash, along with the letters from people who think they are God and want to grant me an exclusive interview.

But this year’s letters were particularly nasty, and I decided what I would do today is run portions of the letters and then answer them in my noted caustic and clever manner. The kicker is that when more Tech fans write me letters as a result of today’s column, I am going to ignore them so that I get the last word.

Caustic and clever, right? Roll the presses boys, here we go:

Tom Brewer of Decatur writes: “Try to look on the bright side:  The Little Hairless Pooches played four decent teams – Bama, Florida, Auburn, and Tech – and actually beat one of them.”

HOW ABOUT TECH vs. UT at SODDY-DAISY?

Wait one minute, Tom. Want to know about patsy schedules? Tech played such powers as Virginia and Duke and NC State and Wake Forest, not to mention such crowd-pleasers as Western Carolina and the University of Tennessee at Soddy-Daisy or some such place.

Plus, Tech is dropping Tennessee and Auburn from its schedule and will become the first school in history to make its stadium smaller so the visiting fans won’t outnumber the Tech loyalists.

Somebody who signed his or her name “Undecipherable in Young Harris” writes: “Two in a row, you obnoxious redneck.”

Go drown in a vat of Varsity grease, Undecipherable. Want some numbers? Here are some numbers: 16 and 6. That is Vince Dooley’s record against Tech, Calculus-Breath.

A.J. Venable of Atlanta offers the following thought: “You and most Georgia supporters are terrible winners. I don’t know why we should expect different behavior when you lose.”

JACKET FANS ARE SUCH A CLASS ACT, OF COURSE

Put this on your slide rule and compute it, A.J.,: “Tech fans are known for being obnoxious.” Know who said that? His initials are B.C. and he wears sunglasses.

From G.N.we get, “The other day, I was following this beat-up, run-down piece of car. On the back there was a Georgia decal. You bunch of ignoramuses can’t even make enough money with a Georgia education to drive decent cars.”

I know the car. It’s the one Georgia gave Tyrone Sorrells if he’d promise to transfer to Tech.

Mildred (I couldn’t make out her last name) from Macon pens: “Face it Bulldogs, You just ain’t got no class.”

Face it, Mildred. You obviously ain’t eat up with it yourself.

And, finally, from someone who identified himself as “Tech Student, Class of ’87″: “Even more important than the football game is the fact I’ll make more money my first year out of school than the average Georgia grad will make the first 10.”

Dear Mr. Big Bucks: I showed Dorsey Hill, the worlds biggest Georgia fan and rather successful entrepreneur, your letter and his response was, “If they mess with me, I’ll buy the Tech campus and turn it into a parking lot.”

We shall resume this argument in 11 months.

— Lewis Grizzard

I Promise I Won’t Razz the Jackets, At Least Not Much

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From The Atlanta Journal and Constitution, November 1993

It would really be a great time to crow. First, my beloved Georgia Bulldogs defeated the dratted Yellow Jackets of Georgia Tech Thursday in what may have been – I have no facts to back this up, but that has never stopped me before – the earliest starting Eastern time zone college football game since television took over the sport.

They kicked this thing off at Bobby Dodd Stadium at Historic Grant Field, the oldest college football stadium near a fast food restaurant in America, at 11 in the morning.

Imagine if you lived in Hawaii. The game would have appeared on your set at something like 5 a.m.

One day television will ask two collegiated combatants to tee it up at 6 on Christmas morning, figuring a lot of people will be up watching the kids open presents and it will thus have a captive audience.

And two schools, slaves to the revenue as gender equity marches on, will agree to it. Lord, please don’t let one of them be the University of Georgia.

Secondly, Georgia not only beat the Jackets, the game turned out to be a laugher. A slaughter. Georgia won 43-10. It won the second half 30-0.

The crowd seated near me, all adorned in red and black, chanted “We want 50!”

I’ll settle for the 43. It covered everything I had in the works.

Thirdly, there was a helluva fight between the two teams near the end of the game. I had Georgia winning that on my card, too. ABC’s Keith Jackson, I was told, commented it was Georgia’s coach, Ray Goff, who was responsible for the fight because he was running up the score. I thought Bill Lewis of Georgia Tech was responsible for keeping the other team from scoring a lot of points.

And, finally, there was the jerk driving the van northward from the stadium as my happy group headed home.

Our vehicle did, in fact, have a Georgia sticker on the back bumper and we had displayed one of those right-after-the-game score cards that read 43-10 in the front window.

We were in the right lane. The van, covered in Tech stickers, tailgated us for several blocks, and the driver was having a large time with his horn.

We finally pulled over so he could pass. On the right. As he roared by, he screamed out his window, “Get out of our lane!” That made me mad.

“Your lane?” I thought. “So Tech owns the streets now. No wonder the traffic is so bad in Atlanta.”

So I had and I have every reason to sit here and do my best to add further to the Tech misery.

But I won’t and here’s why.

All season I’ve listened to fellow Georgia fans discuss the shambles they say is now the Bulldogs’ football program. I’ve read the sports pages that buried the Dawgs on a daily basis.

And I’ve listened to the radio talk shows and heard our own describe the situation in Athens with such adjectives as “pitiful” and even “sickening.”

I certainly agree it’s been a year the locusts have feasted upon our crops.

But if we’re in all that bad a shape, think of the relative condition of the Tech program.

The Jackets lost to a Georgia team that has been derided unmercifully by 33 points.

The second half was a joke.

And Tech can’t even blame the academic community. It actually supports athletics.

Crowing over beating Thursday’s Tech Turkeys would be like mounting the head of a deer you ran over in your car.

Still, 50 would have been nice.

Lewis Grizzard

 

God is a Bulldog

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JaxLogo_2From: “Don’t Sit Under The Grits Tree With Anyone Else But Me” – 1981

Jacksonville, Fla. – Dorsey Hill, the world’s biggest Bulldog fan, left here Sunday afternoon, bound for Auburn, Alabama, where Georgia’s undefeated football team next appears.

“I don’t think you can get from Jacksonville to Auburn,” I had said to him.

“You can change buses in Waycross and Columbus,” Dorsey answered.

“You aren’t going home first?”

“Home?” He screamed back. “I haven’t worked since Texas A&M, and I haven’t slept since Clemson. You expect me to go back home when we play Auburn in only six more days?”

I lost my head, I suppose.

A lot of people lost their heads here Saturday afternoon. Georgia played Florida. Georgia won the game, 26-21. It’s a lot more complicated than that, however.

Georgia came into the game ranked second in the nation. To continue to compete for its first Big Banana ever, the national championship, Georgia had to continue its winning streak. Florida (“bunch of swamp lizards and beach bums,” according to Dorsey Hill), wanted to step on Georgia’s dream.

Dorsey arrived here Thursday afternoon with thousands of others who made the early departure south from various points in Georgia. Many of those individuals were as drunk as five eyed owls by the time they reached the Florida line.

As local wit Rex Edmondson says, the Georgia-Florida game is the “annual celebration of the repeal of prohibition.”

Dorsey waited until Friday to get into his serious pre-game drinking, however.

“I stopped at the New Perry Hotel Thursday for lunch and filled up on collards,” he said. “It’s hard to drink on a belly full of collards.”Preview

Agreed.

Now that I have had time to digest all that did eventually happen in college football Saturday, I think I can say without fear of charges of blasphemy that the whole thing was a religious experience. “Deacon Dan” Magill, the “Baptist Bulldog,” read a prayer to the Georgia faithful in which he beseeched the Almighty to help the Bulldogs “smite the Florida Philistines.”

Then there was the game itself. Georgia behind 21-20, ninety-three yards away, time running out.

“We need a miracle!” screamed Dorsey Hill, now fortified with more than collards.

Georgia got its miracle. Buck Belue to Lindsay Scott, for ninety-three yards and the winning touchdown with only seconds remaining. If that wasn’t enough, there was the astounding news from Atlanta. Georgia Tech had tied No.1 Notre Dame. Surely, Georgia will be ranked first in America when the ratings are released.

“A tie was a gift from Heaven,” said Dorsey. “Notre Dame gets knocked out of number one but Tech doesn’t get a win. God is a Bulldog.”

Verily.

I must make one confession here. I did it, and I must suffer the consequences.

I gave up at Jacksonville Saturday afternoon. Florida had the ball. Florida had the lead. There was only three minutes to play. I left the stadium. I was in the street when the miracle came.

“You are a gutless disgrace,” Dorsey Hill said to me later.

He detailed my punishment: “We’re going to a tattoo parlor in this very town tonight,” he began. “And you’re going to have ’26’ tattooed on one of your cheeks in red. And you’re going to have ’21’ tattooed in black on the other cheek. I don’t want you to forget what you did.”

I won’t, but which cheeks is between me and the tattooist.

Lewis Grizzard


Thanks to K. Daniel for supplying this column! GO DAWGS!!