Weekly Prophecies of Ooga the Hermit
This is the Oracle of Ooga, the Hermit of Hahira, and these are his weekly prophecies as delivered unto Saxondawg, who is his messenger.
Hear, O dog-people! Ooga speaks! Heed ye the words of the hermit Ooga!
On the fifth day of the ninth month of the final year, there will come invaders from the west and the north, and they shall be the aggie-people of Oo-Tah! Like the locusts of Lithonia will they fall upon the ancient city of Athens, for are they not of the land of the lake of salt?
Hear Ooga, ye raiders! Ye savages of the land where the men have many wives and ride bicycles! Ye who would bow before graven images of Donnie and Marie, I say unto you: Gird up thy loins, warriors of Oo-Tah, and prepare to be ground like salt into the great lake of red!
Swift and sure shall be thy fate, yea, even minutes after the great coin of coweta has spun its course in the air and thy battle captains have taken the wind! Lo, verily, thy battalions shall take the wind and be blown away! They shall weep and wail and offer lamentations, sniveling like unto their many cow-faced wives, that Quincy the Hurlsmith and Grant the Gruff would have mercy on them.
But hear me, O girly-men of Oo-Tah–mercy shall not be given! Yea, before the minutes have been thirty and the great marching musicians of the sweltering red coats have sounded your deathly dirge, you shall have been trampled! With savage cries of blood-vengeance the dog-warriors will have crushed your bones, and the great linebackers who dwell behind the celebrated wall of Stroud shall cool themselves with draughts of thy blood in the southern heat!
Lo, and our cornerbacks shall wear thy scalps as trophies on their battle helmets, and thy blood will leave no unsightly stains, for our vestments, are they not scarlet behence? Drawn ye shall be, and quartered, even unto thy assistant coaches and trainers! And the wallowing whale-men of our offensive line will make necklaces of thy toes, and lo, these necklaces will be available unto the web pages of the athletic department, as fund-raisers.
Then paid ye shall be, thou mercenaries, paid unto the king of Oo-Tah the maker of schedules, for the privilege of going to war before the bloodthirsty hordes of Sanford! Paid in silver, paid in pieces of gold, but will thy blood-money cover the funeral costs of thy vanquished girl-warriors? Nay! Run thee sniveling to they appointment with Stephen F. Austin on the barren plains of Nacogdoches, for is he not just one man?
This is the Oracle of Ooga, and these are his prophecies! Ooga knows! Ooga also foretells Navy on a last minute field goal. Lo! Take the points!