Quotes from the Late, Great Lewis Grizzard

Death

“I don’t have any out-of-body experiences. I had indeed seen a bright, beautiful light and had followed it, but it turned out to be a Kmart tire sale.”

Food

“If you eat something, but no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories.”

“If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.”

“Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking the cookie causes calorie leakage.”

“Never order barbeque in a place that also serves quiche.”

“Giving Northerners unbuttered instant grits is an old remedy for getting rid of tourists.”

“There are two things man should never see made: laws and Vienna Sausages.” (from a performance at the Jacksonville Civic Center, Jacksonville, FL, 1988)

“My favorite meal is country fried steak smothered in sawmill gravy, creamed potatoes, butter beans, squash, spring onions, thinly sliced tomatoes, and unsweetened ice tea.”

“The idiot who invented instant grits also thought of frozen fried chicken, and they ought to lock him up before he tries to freeze-dry collards.”

(on salad bars) “If I want to go to the trouble of preparing my own salad, I will do it in the privacy of my own home, where I can eat it in my underdrawers if I so desire.”

“I would rather sit next to somebody who smells like a moose than somebody who slurps his soup.”

“There is something wrong when you wait in line thirty minutes to get a hamburger that was cooked for ninety seconds an hour ago.”

Health

“I am convinced Ginger Ale can heal the sick and raise the dead. ”

“Nobody ever knew exactly how much Cordie Mae weighed, but her daddy used to say, ‘If I could get $1.25 a pound for that child, I could pay off my truck.'”

Kids

“A kid knocked over my beer with a frisbee at the beach once. I threatened him with a lawsuit and then put this curse on him : ‘May your voice never change and your zits win prizes at county fairs.’ I hate it when somebody knocks over my beer at the beach.”

Misc.

“Why do service stations lock the bathroom door but leave the cash register unlocked?”

Lewis’ advice to Atlantans in case of nuclear war: “If you live on the South side of Atlanta, get on I-75 and go south. If you live of the North side of Atlanta get on I-75 and go north. If you are a Yankee get on 285.” (Note to all you Yankees — I-285 is a continuous loop around the city)

Politics

“Nobody.” (When asked on Larry King Live in 1991 who would be the best Democratic presidential candidate.)

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