Game-Day Wedding, and How I’m Handling It

Posted by Saxondawg on 2/24 10:46 am

Dear (Name):

Heartfelt best wishes on your recent engagement! I particularly want to congratulate you on your decision to be married at halftime at midfield of Sanford Stadium. SURELY, as a True Dawg, this is the ONLY conceivable plan you could have in mind by scheduling your nuptials DURING A HOME GAME. Given there are 46 available Saturdays which do NOT conflict with home games, at first I thought either you had taken complete leave of your senses or perhaps had a very twisted and tasteless sense of humor.

Then I realized what you must REALLY have up your sleeve — what a brilliant idea you had hatched! After all, every (worthwhile) friend you have will already be assembled in the same location, and since it’s certain to be a day game, you won’t catch any flack from your bride for listening to the Mark Richt locker room show on your wedding night. The Redcoats can play the Wedding March (I’ll be happy to help paint the banner for the bride and her dad to run through), and the Majorettes will make lovely bridesmaids. Let me suggest using defensive linemen as groomsmen, for they’ll be best at batting down the cups thrown at you by visiting fans during the ceremony. Hey, and I can already hear Vince saying, “If anyone has any objections, bark now or forever hold your peace.” I need to check an etiquette book on whether the North Stands should chant your name, and the South the bride’s — or vice-versa. One safety pointer: When your sweetheart throws out the bridal bouquet to 91,000 people, let’s have the State Patrol ready to help prevent injuries.

I’ve known so-called “fans,” less loyal than you, who have actually scheduled weddings DURING home games — AWAY from the stadium! Can you imagine anyone so OBTUSE, INSENSITIVE AND UNFEELING? We don’t need THEM as Dawgs, as I’m certain you’ll agree. Usually the only remedy to their making us miss a game is to follow them out of town in our RVs and make their honeymoon a living hell, tailgating outside their room for the whole week and drunkenly singing Dawg songs. Not that YOU have to worry about this, for I’m certain YOU would never commit such a sick, sociopathic act of cruelty against friends and loved ones who care about you. By the way, is your fine china red or black?

Best wishes and Go Dawgs!

Section 331
Aisle 16

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