NORTH: Chap Stick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.
SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, and a fifth of bourbon. Money not necessary – that’s what dates are for.
NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
SOUTH: High school foot ball stadiums hold 20,000 people.
NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.
SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.
NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.
SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.
NORTH: Also a physics major.
SOUTH: Also Miss America .
NORTH: Rudy Giuliani
SOUTH: Herschel Walker & Peyton Manning
NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus.
SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus, make a large financial contribution, and put name on a waiting list for tickets.
Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game:
NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they’re going to the game, because they have classes on Friday.
SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don’t want to see the few hung over students that might actually make it to class.
NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for game parking.
SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.
NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting “Game Day Live” to get on camera and wave to the idiots up north who wonder why “Game Day Live” is never Broadcast from their campus.